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A Short Descriptive Story About an Encounter in a Graveyard

This is a short story about an encounter in a graveyard. The student has focused on descriptive language to set the scene and advance the plot.
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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Bob's feedback:

"You do a great job of keeping the tension up throughout this scene. You clue the reader into the characters' thoughts and feelings without lingering there too long, and you let the action of the scene largely speak for itself. However, the descriptive language is often heavy-handed, and occasionally it sticks out, detracting from the story.

Descriptive writing can be done with minimal use of adjectives and adverbs, and this tends to strengthen the writing. For example, instead of "she winced when a sharp rock would stab the bottom of her shoe," you might consider, "she winced as her cheap trainers failed to cushion her feet from the jaggedness of the path." In this way, you still describe a particular detail, but you cut down on the "adjective-noun" pattern (e.g., "hard path," "cheap trainers," "sharp rock"). In places, your descriptions use the same word more than once. For instance, you describe the trees as looking like leaves that have fallen from trees, and you mention that Lola gets chilled because the weather is chilly. These instances weaken the description and may confuse the reader.

Other areas are difficult to follow, such as the movements of the mysterious characters. It's difficult to tell where Lola is in relation to the women who suddenly appear, and the man's movements are confusing as he continues to approach Lola but keeps his back to her. Consider working with an editor to address repetition, clarity, and style, as well as grammatical errors and misused words and phrases."

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