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Word Count: 706
How to Write an Essay the Procrastinators Way With immaculate planning reserve an entire afternoon for the greatest composition you will ever write Neatly arrange all of your reference materials and be proud of your superior organisational abilities Put paper in your printer all ready for the big essay youre about to start Try to figure out just what percentage of a full-grown tree one sheet of paper represents Try to back this up with data gathered from any source you can Put a sign on your door which reads No Distractions Spend an hour decorating it so that no one can fail to miss it This will ensure a total absence of interruptions Spend 20 minutes trying to decide where to order pizza from The arrangement of pepperoni might be particularly inspiring which would help with your paper Call up all your third and fourth year friends trying to see if any of them had your professor If so ask them if he has a particular preference for being called Mister or Professor Check your e-mail again Again And again Read over every e-mail you have ever gotten maybe someone mentioned writing a paper just like yours which would help immeasurably Use the word count feature on Microsoft Word Obsessively Claim its wrong and count all the words manually to check this Blame your lack of progress on an old junior high school English teacher who never did teach you how to write properly Compose a letter telling the teacher just what you think of this unfortunate situation Compose another letter to the school board urging them to fire this sorry excuse for an educator Look through your old high school yearbook Wonder what all those people are doing right now at this very moment Conjure up elaborately detailed scenarios Share them with your increasingly disgusted roommate See if you can track down one
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