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Observations on Birth Order and Personality Type in Three Siblings

This observation paper uses the student's time babysitting three young siblings to consider how birth order influences personality type. The student notes that each sibling occupies a role in an effective group dynamic.
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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Bridget's feedback:

"Your writing style is clear and dynamic; your portraits of the three siblings use compelling detail, and the reader is engaged by your facility with observation and narrative flow.

As your reader, I struggled to understand the paper's purpose until the second paragraph, when you describe the situation (babysitting observation); this means the opening paragraph's introduction of the sisters' names risks confusing the reader. I suggest revising how you introduce the scenario for observation over the first two paragraphs--try flipping the paragraphs' order, or rearranging elements across the two paragraphs; alternatively, a single introductory paragraph might work in place of the original two. Whatever the strategy, you want the paper's purpose to be clear by the end of the first paragraph, whatever that paragraph "looks" like. (Such revision or reorganization may also help address repeated language between the introduction's and conclusion's final sentences.)

As a final note, these well-written observations could be enhanced with reference to sources, such as studies on birth order. If your assignment details allow this, I strongly recommend incorporating research to help widen the paper's approach and continue building your ethos as a researcher on top of the solid ethos you display as a writer and observer."

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