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LGBT Education Should Be Included in the Modern School Curriculum

In this argumentative essay, the student argues that school curriculum should be more inclusive of the LGBT community. The student illustrates how to incorporate LGBT elements into history and sex education curricula and the importance of doing so, then works through and rebuts several arguments against creating LGBT-inclusive curricula in modern education.
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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Crystal's feedback:

"Nice job introducing the state of education today and why inclusion is important for LGBT students. You have a clear thesis, but the key arguments for including LGBT education (and how) and perhaps the resistance to it should be incorporated. You do nicely incorporate/rebut the counterarguments in the body paragraphs. Having a stronger hook and tightening up your intro a bit would also be ideal. Some additional things to look out for are awkward paragraphing/line spacing, inconsistent formatting across references, putting periods after parenthetical citations, and gaps in logic/lack of clarity (e.g., "These rates have only continued through LGBT and curriculum…" is awkward/unclear). More engagement and analysis around some of the earlier quotes would beef up the support for your arguments, and consider not including the full name of every resource in sentences; citations will point readers to your reference list. Also make sure to watch for POV shifts (esp. avoiding editorial use of "we,” etc.), spots with awkward or missing words, misspelled words ( e.g., "society as hole" should be "society as a whole"), and general comma use/sentence structures (e.g., "Because most people believe that...'" is a sentence fragment). Finally, your abstract should give a comprehensive summary rather than be an intro-like statement."

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