Overcoming Fear: The Struggles of Being the New Student in Class

Crystal's feedback:

"The details about your personal experiences and struggles as a new student are very in-depth and full of rich details, and you do a good job with many of the transitional elements (though some could also be improved). However, the intro doesn't fully show the reader what path your paper as a whole will take, especially in a way that encompasses both your extensive personal narrative and the supportive quotations. Consider adding a more detailed thesis statement to the end of the intro. Additionally, the flow of information and phrasing is a bit awkward in some spots. I encourage you to do a reverse outline (based on a clear thesis statement and the main points you are conveying *or* to help identify both aspects) and to consider rearranging some of the details for a more logical flow. It’s also not clear whether you want the fears to be a controlling focus or just aspects related to why it’s tough to start at a new school, and a few details about anxiety in general stray from the student focus. In addition, while the quotations you've integrated are mostly supportive, most quotations aren't well-integrated in terms of you engaging with them--for an example of what I mean, look to your discussion after the Malcolm X quote. The MLA formatting is also not quite right; if the author is used in the sentence, just the page number is used in parentheses at the end of the sentence. Finally, throughout your essay, various spots have awkward and/or unclear phrasing (and in some instances, paragraphing) and a significant number of grammar and punctuation errors (especially sentence fragments and run-on sentences). Again, though, you’ve done a really great job of tying in a ton of good personal details and selecting supportive quotations--so addressing the problem areas I noted above by doing a careful edit and review would allow you to really build on those strengths."

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