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How Marco Polo Changed Venice

This history essay explains Marco Polo's influence on Venice, including the introduction of goods and spices, paper money, and coal. The student also shows how Marco Polo's journeys to China and on behalf of Kublai Khan helped encourage new trade routes.
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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Bridget's feedback:

"You are off to a good start! You write clearly, with solid organization, and your paragraphs are focused, with good boundaries. To move forward, you'll want to target a few areas. The first is purpose and thesis: what is the main focus in this essay, Marco Polo's impact on Venice or Venice's changes? This will feel like shades of gray, but notice that your first sentence highlights Marco Polo whereas the last sentence of your introduction frontloads Venice. Based on the body of the essay, which traces his journeys before discussing his impact on the city, I suggest revising that final introductory sentence to make Marco Polo the subject and create a firmer signpost for your reader (e.g., "Marco Polo's travels changed Venice in many ways").

Similarly, take a look at the balance of your essay: what details do you want the reader to come away with -- details about the journeys or about what he brought back to Venice? I really enjoy reading the details about each, but keep your thesis and focus in mind: would summarizing some of the earlier paragraphs into a single, longer overview of the journey help get to the information about his impact on Venice sooner, relevant to the thesis?

I recommend focusing on these higher-order concerns first, but don't forget to use a careful proofread to catch occasional errors (such as a missing comma in the first sentence)."

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