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Why Indoor Smoking Bans Are Pointless

In this persuasive essay, the student takes the position that California's smoking bans of the late 1990s represent a dangerous infringement on individual rights. The student compares the bans on smoking in public places, including bars, to Prohibition and questions the harm of secondhand smoke.
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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

california
Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Bridget's feedback:

"This is an energetic and lively essay whose persuasiveness will depend on the rhetorical situation. For an assigned piece of writing, the rhetorical situation, from audience to purpose, relies on the prompt, so keep the specific requirements in mind when considering your next steps. This current draft will likely find a receptive audience if the audience already agrees with your stance. If you must persuade other factions, however, the current rhetorical decisions will need to be adjusted. The first major factor in this is the unsubstantiated claim regarding "rights", including "smokers' rights" and the rights of business owners, which is also touched on. The current allusion to "the government...taking away all of the peoples' rights" is far too general, and the parallels to Prohibition are rhetorically useful for an audience in agreement with you but fall flat for anyone else. So, the first step will be to define your audience based on the prompt; from there, you can decide what needs to be revised, fine-tuned, or reworked. Research related to health will need to be updated, as well.

Some organizational issues at the macrolevel see broad swaths of the discussion being repeated. I recommend a reverse outline to keep track of this. Your writing, as mentioned earlier, has a good sense of dynamism and flow, contributing to the readability and ethos (though this will, again, be related to rhetorical situation), but I do notice occasional lower-order concerns that should be resolved via a thorough round of proofreading. Similarly, watch out for punctuation in relation to the parenthetical citations."

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