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Why Our School Needs a Study Hall Period

This persuasive essay takes the form of a letter to a school administrator advocating for the introduction of study hall. The student argues that a dedicated study hall period would help students access resources for better grades, including personalized instructor help, and let the students focus on academic work away from the demands of extracurriculars and afterschool jobs.
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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

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Bridget's feedback:

"This is a persuasive and clearly argued letter. Well done! You introduce a lot of insightful points and build up the ideas logically, and your use of different rhetorical appeals creates a three-dimensional connection with your audience. Keeping in mind the reader's experience, you might consider a bit more streamlining and tightening up at the phrase- and sentence-level to ensure an efficient and punchier flow and presentation, but your writing is clear and, with some proofreading, mechanically sound, so this would be about style and seeing the letter from the reader's side.

I do have one specific comment, and that is regarding deciding when to deploy the direct questions to the addressee. At certain points, it might make more sense to provide your own personal experience (or that of your friends and relatives) before asking the question, such as in the first half of para. 3. This moves the use of questions beyond the merely rhetorical and makes them less confrontational. Instead, you offer your personal experience, evoking pathos, and then ask the question, which helps the reader see how these are shared experiences; the question then becomes a sincere and direct appeal."

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