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A Narrative Essay About a Student's Struggles with a Difficult Home Life

In this narrative essay, the student reflects on a friend she met in school. She recounts how the friend seemed to struggle with her home life and stood out from her peers due to the added burdens placed on her.
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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Bob's feedback:

"Your essay appears to be unfinished, so, obviously, you'll need to make sure to conclude the narrative. What is written so far is compelling. You do a great job of getting the reader interested in Joshaline' s story. Remember that as you raise questions about her (e.g., why is her appearance different, why is she frequently absent), the reader will want to know the answer. Building some suspense is effective, but you don't want your reader to be juggling too many questions at once. Feeding some small answers into the narrative periodically will help to prevent all of the questions from becoming overwhelming.

You may want to provide some context to explain why Joshaline is considered different. Do most students dress well in the school? Is this a generally affluent community? In some areas, her appearance may be fairly typical, so make sure that the contrast is evident.

Pay attention to how each sentence flows into the next. For example, you mention where you hang out with Joshaline, then jump to a sentence about her being focused on her grades, and then to the fact that you've never visited her house. The sentence about her focus on grades interrupts what would otherwise be a logical transition. Consider finding a more suitable place for it in the paper.

Once you've finished the paper, consider having it read by a peer or an editor to address possible missing context, confusing statements, and issues with flow. You're on your way to a very interesting, sensitive essay."

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