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A Personal Narrative About My Mother's Mysterious Health Emergency

This is a personal narrative in which the author's mother suffered a mysterious health emergency. The author describes feelings of panic, wondering whether the mother would survive the ordeal.
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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Bob's feedback:

"This is obviously a traumatic event, and you've conveyed your fear and worry well. When relating such a personal story, it is tempting to relay all of the details of the event in chronological order. However, as a narrative, mundane details should be left out in favor of points that advance the narrative or convey the sense of fear that was felt during these events. Consider focusing more on the impact the overall story had on you rather than the moment-by-moment details. Your concluding paragraph briefly mentions your relief that your mother recovered. This should be given more prominence given the worry that this event caused."

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