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A Personal Narrative of Overcoming a Major Setback to Our Volleyball Team

This personal narrative tells the story of an important high school volleyball game. The team experiences a major setback when a key player is injured prior to the match. The narrator explains how his team rallied to cope with the loss of an integral member of their team.
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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

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Bob's feedback:

"This story really hits its stride after the game starts. The description of the action of the game is paced well and draws the reader in. However, the overall message of the narrative gets lost in a lot of unneccesary details. The beginning is loaded with a lot of information that won't be of interest to a reader who isn't yet caught up in the narrative. Some moments, such as the coach's speech, feel like they could be an emotional moment but are glazed over. It would be a good idea to take a step back and think about what points are most important to the reader and trim away some of the extra information. A read-through by a peer could help you identify what can be cut. Also think about what the main idea of the story is. For instance, do you want to emphasize that, despite losing the match, this game was a triumph for your team in the face of hardship? Make sure you emphasize that point toward the climax of the story rather than simply mentioning it in one sentence. Finally, pay attention to verb tense. The entire story should either be in the past or present tense and should not jump between the two."

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