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A Personal Story About Being Saved by a Friend From Drowing

This is a personal story about a time when the author nearly drowned. The student describes the bond they felt with their friends who were present at the time.
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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Bob's feedback:

"This sounds like a harrowing experience that would definitely leave its mark. You capture some of the emotion, but the focus of the paper is confusing. Is this meant to be a fond memory or a frightening one? What feelings does this specific memory evoke?

Consider breaking this story up into multiple paragraphs. Your introduction should focus a little more specifically on the event and the emotions associated with it. Your conclusion might delve a little deeper into what you learned from nearly drowning. The body of the paper would also benefit from describing the panic and relief you must have felt as you were saved.

There are many grammatical errors, awkward sentences, and misused words that should be cleaned up."

Learn more about this feedback