A Reflection on My Goals for Sixth Grade

Crystal's feedback:

"Fantastic job with the transitioning between paragraphs and crafting a clear topic sentence related to a specific goal for each body paragraph. You also really nailed the essay structure overall with a clear intro, body section, and conclusion that brings it all back together. However, the introduction could be improved by shifting your specific statement about three goals to the end of the paragraph and coming that info with the mention of the reasons (what you refer to as "statement," I assumed you meant "for the following reasons"). The clarity throughout the intro and the body paragraphs was also a little spotty in some areas due to having the wrong word or verb form. For instance, in the very first sentence, you use "My goals...is," which creates a subject/verb disagreement. You want both to agree in number, so it should be "My goals are..." There are other spots where the subject and verb disagree as well. To identify spots where there's a wrong word or awkward phrasing, you might consider reading your paper slowly out loud. That can sometimes help you catch spots that might sound awkward when you hear them. It's easy to sometimes miss things when reading off a printed page or computer screen (I have to read my own writing out loud to edit my own writing, even!). For instance, you use "stay concentrated," which is awkward. Using "stay focused and concentrate" or just "stay focused" would be stronger phrasing. Finally, one thing you also want to keep an eye on is the point of view (POV), especially pronoun use. You do a pretty awesome job throughout the majority of your paper with using "I" and keeping the context focused on you, but in the last paragraph, you switch to "we" and make a very broad statement. Something focused on you would make a better statement there and ensure you wrap up as effectively as you handle most of the other essay structural elements."

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