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An Admission Essay for a Sonography Program

This is an admission essay for a medical sonography program. The student describes her past experiences encountering that field and why she wants to be a part of it.
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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Bob's feedback:

"You have some good ideas and experiences to build on here. However, this paper needs some attention in order to make it a stand-out admission essay. When describing what makes you passionate about a field, it's important to go beyond stating that you became interested by being exposed to the field. You hint at an important experience with a sonographer; consider expanding on that and describing what it was about that person's demeanor and professionalism that made you want to emulate them.

An admission essay should explain why you're a good candidate for a program. This should be the bulk of your essay and should go beyond your interest or passion. Your final paragraph discusses your background in management. This should be expanded (earlier in the paper) to describe your personal achievements and how these experiences can be translated into your desired field.

Many sentences and word choices are awkward and I strongly suggest working with an editor to make this essay flow more naturally."

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