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An Argument Against Beauty Pageants

This essay makes the claim that beauty pageants should be phased out. The student points to unrealistic body image portrayal and racist standards.
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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Bob's feedback:

"This is a strong paper that makes some very important points. Since this is such an important issue, you'll want to make sure your arguments are sound and come across as being reason-based. It's best to avoid emotionally-charged language and instead lay out a logical, academic argument.

You present some good arguments in your introduction, but these would fit better in your supporting paragraphs, leaving the intro to simply set the stage for your arguments.

Some of your ideas are supported well, while others need better development. For example, you claim that "women are not allowed to be opinionated" in these contests. Is this because "diplomatic" answers tend to win, while answers that have a strong opinion are looked down upon? This should be clarified.

There are some issues with word choice, such as "had not been on the stage only once," and the claim that the weight of Miss Universe contestants is on average 50 lbs more than that of the average American woman (you seem to have meant less).

Make sure to cite any studies you mention. Briefly describing the study in your text goes even further toward strengthening your credibility.

I would suggest working with an editor to address unevenly developed ideas, issues with tone, minor grammatical errors, and awkwardly worded sentences. With some attention to these details, this will be a very strong essay."

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