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I had been dreaming of going to America for God knows how many years before I finally came to this land The various misfortunes in my life gave me a chance of being sent to America by my university only when I was about to be 40 years old Thinking th at I would take the chance to root myself here I went through a hasty experience of taking the GRE and TOEFL tests sending my credentials everywhere and trying to get information from everywhere For the past ten months I have been sitting in front of m y computer day in and day out to read school pages on the Internet and look for employment news When I finally summoned up enough money to get several I-20 forms my enthusiasm for going to university plummeted suddenly and what I have been thinking sinc e then is to buy an air ticket to go home To comfort myself I thought of a principle by which I have been doing things these days Just fight and fumble in America to get whatever I can with my great motherland backing me up The worst of it is to go back to go on being a professor and moonli ghter and in any case I will still be among the para-middle-class As to the money I spend here well just treat it as the money I lose in Las Vegas But still I am no big gambler When I talk about going abroad before I went abroad we talked it in such a way that it seemed we would rather do anything to stay abroad Even the jails in America are better than the shabby house of my home in a big yar d in Beijing If I was a big gambler I would just stay undocumented
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