1. Home

God Save the Prom Queen: A Fictional Story about a Teen's Sexual Assault

This short story describes a teenager's experience with sexual assault. The narrator describes the thrill of being crowned prom queen, only to experience an assault by her classmates as part of a "prom tradition."
PAGES
2
WORDS
1,426
  Cite
View Full Essay
About this essay
This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley
Generating Preview...
This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Bob's feedback:

"This is certainly a traumatic story about an important and tragic issue. You've done a good job of shifting from the main character's expectations to the reality of the situation. Verb tense can be tricky, especially because there are some natural shifts between present and past tense. Make sure that the tense remains consistent within a scene.

There are several sentences that feel out of place or lack appropriate context. For instance, you mention being "ashamed to be American," but it's unclear how this is relevant. (Certain cues, such as the terms "bin" and "mum" also suggest that the narrator may be British.) Other ideas have a lot of potential and could be expanded upon, such as regretting begging the attackers for your life. Since this is such a traumatic and personal story, the narrator's emotional state drives the narrative and will strengthen statements like "Thankfully, I soon discover a familiar environment..." Consider describing the relief (or other emotions) that come with that moment. Finally, when writing about traumatic topics, it's important to consider what you want the reader to take away: is the ultimate point that this is a "fact of life"? Might the reader wonder why the mother didn't warn the narrator?"

Learn more about this feedback