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How an MS in Clinical Embryology and Assisted Reproduction Fits My Goals

This admissions essay for a master of clinical embryology and assisted reproduction responds to a prompt (regarding the "reasons for wishing to undertake the course. You should demonstrate through the supporting statement how the course will be of direct benefit to your personal and professional development") with a focus on research, staying current with new technologies and treatments, and helping people start families.
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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Bridget's feedback:

"You are off to a good start! Your knowledge and skills in the area really come through, and your interest in research, practice, and helping people is clear. I see opportunities to get more specific, as your word count allows, keeping in mind that well-chosen details can create connections and memorability with your reader. For example, you refer to "the questions that remain yet to be answered"--if there is a certain question(s) that you are personally motivated by, sharing it with the reader will demonstrate your engagement with the field's developing and cutting-edge nature, as well as help the reader understand your interests more specifically. Similarly, the second paragraph refers to "new knowledge" and "possible breakthroughs"--again, if there are any you are excited about, giving an example can substantiate the statement's various claims. To highlight one last moment, if you can expand on the references to "working with my peers," either with future plans or reference to past experience, you can again demonstrate this aspect of your work and research ethos.

In terms of writing mechanics, I recommend revising the opening sentences to eliminate passive voice ("Great leaps were made...") and watching out for occasional typos ("This interest has [l]ed me to pursue a career..."). Your flow and sentence variety are solid, so these tasks are about phrases and word choice to boost the overall presentation, clarity, and ethos."

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