In-text citation:
(Kibin, 2024)
Reference list entry:
Kibin. (2024). How back pain destroys quality of life and ended my hockey career. http://www.kibin.com/essay-examples/how-back-pain-destroys-quality-of-life-and-ended-my-hockey-career-gybQzc5a
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Bridget's feedback:
"You are off to a good start, and I can see in this draft the various elements of essay writing -- main focus, overall structure, and chosen details to create evidence, texture, and interest -- that you've committed to the page. You can move forward by working with these building blocks, focusing on presentation and your reader's experience of the discussion.
First, you will want to clarify the focus on hockey in the introduction, which currently only makes reference to "sports" and "the game" -- give your reader the word "hockey" in that first paragraph to immediately establish the focus. Similarly, it is unclear from the last sentence of the introduction that you did ultimately have to stop playing (changing the verb tense may help).
The second paragraph is quite long, disrupting the overall balance of the essay. I can see a new paragraph starting at "After the game I went to the hospital...", but you can try out different organizations and see what works best for narrative flow, building tension, and clarity."
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In-text citation:
(Kibin, 2024)
Reference list entry:
Kibin. (2024). How back pain destroys quality of life and ended my hockey career. http://www.kibin.com/essay-examples/how-back-pain-destroys-quality-of-life-and-ended-my-hockey-career-gybQzc5a
In-text citation:
("How Back Pain Destroys Quality of Life and Ended My Hockey Career.")
Works Cited entry:
"How Back Pain Destroys Quality of Life and Ended My Hockey Career." Kibin, 2024, www.kibin.com/essay-examples/how-back-pain-destroys-quality-of-life-and-ended-my-hockey-career-gybQzc5a
Footnote:
1. "How Back Pain Destroys Quality of Life and Ended My Hockey Career." Kibin, 2024. http://www.kibin.com/essay-examples/how-back-pain-destroys-quality-of-life-and-ended-my-hockey-career-gybQzc5a.
Bibliography entry:
"How Back Pain Destroys Quality of Life and Ended My Hockey Career." Kibin, 2024. http://www.kibin.com/essay-examples/how-back-pain-destroys-quality-of-life-and-ended-my-hockey-career-gybQzc5a.
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