Improving Science at the School Level

Iva's feedback:

"You do a good job of keeping your body paragraphs focused on specific separate topics that work together to build up your topic overall. I also appreciate how, within your body paragraphs, you attempt to provide rationales for the claims you make. This gives the reader a better understanding of your thought process and makes your arguments stronger. However, they - and your overall essay - would be made stronger by a more structured introduction and conclusion. Specifically, though your introduction lets the reader know you will be talking about how the state of science interest and education could be improved, you do so vaguely. In your introduction, you mention that science is difficult, that students do not really like it because of its difficulty, and that new scientists will be needed as old scientists leave the field. Though your introduction gives readers an idea of the problems facing the field of science, it does not let readers know that you plan to use your essay to propose ways to address those problems because it is missing a thesis statement. Your thesis statement should go at the end of your introduction, and it should provide an overview of the solutions you will propose. This way, your reader will have an idea of what to expect, and you will establish a clear relationship between your introduction and body. As for your conclusion, it reads more like a body paragraph rather than a conclusion. Though your outline makes it clear that your conclusion should state which step is most important, it should still include a brief summary of your main ideas in order to tie your thoughts together. I would suggest starting your conclusion with a reiteration of the thesis you end up writing, connecting it back to the problems facing science that you mentioned, and ending by taking (and explaining) a stance. Finally, though your essay is fairly clear to follow, your sentences tend to include unnecessary words that make your sentence structure awkward and, thus, hinder the flow. For example, in the second sentence of the second paragraph, you would get the same idea across more smoothly by writing, "Additionally, schools and universities could use their social media accounts to keep students informed about their programs and the scientific world at large.""

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