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Individualism versus Collectivism in the Education System

This is an analytical essay in which the author examines the effects of individualism versus collectivism in the education system. The author discusses the cons of a collectivist system and suggests that Common Core, group work, and the factory education model support this system.
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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

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Jenn's feedback:

"You have done a great job creating a well-organized and neatly formatted essay, both factors that greatly improve the readability of the essay. You have also integrated quotes and other types of evidence that support your position well. There are a number of formatting errors in regards to the use of APA style conventions. There are citations that do not include a publication year, spacing issues, indenting issues, italics issues, and alignment issues. There is also a disconnect between your outline and headings within your essay. With APA, if you include a Table of Contents, the different sections should not be numbered and the section titles should appear as headings within the document. Also, the header should be formatted differently on the first page. The abstract has some interesting word choices that do not seem to be congruent with the body of the paper. Rather than saying that you "agree" it would be appropriate to say that you "suggest" or another similar word. You mention that you show the pros and cons, but, for the most part, all a reader sees are cons. You also mention that you use a neutral tone, but this is not correct, as the use of words such as "atrocious," "zealous," and "corrupts" are not necessarily neutral. There also seems to be a disconnect between the title and the body of the paper. Consider defining individualism and collectivism early on in the paper and make sure that you clearly relate Common Core, group work, and the factory education model to these terms. The introduction and the conclusion are both very similarly written. While it is important to communicate the same ideas in both, consider conveying the message using different words."

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