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Learning to Take Care of My Depressed Mom and Myself

In this admissions essay, a student shares how growing up she struggled to take care of her mom, who suffered from depression, and herself. The student discusses how the experience helped her become a strong and independent individual.
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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Angela's feedback:

"It's commendable that you're willing to talk about such a difficult aspect of your life, and you're able to convey to the reader how much you care for your mom. However, your essay would be stronger overall if you recast your sentences to establish a more academic tone instead of a narrative one. For example, instead of starting your third paragraph with a long sentence that could cause the reader's attention to drift, you could break it up into a series of shorter sentences that are ultimately more impactful: "I longed for more moments when she'd make me choose her outfits for a night out. I loved when her eyes sparkled and the dimple on the left side of her cheek appeared." Also, even though you do a good job of sharing your background, because this is an admissions essay, you should spend some more time highlighting how you ultimately did stay strong and kept pushing forward. Are there notable academic accomplishments you can share that you were able to achieve despite this hardship? A final edit would further improve your essay and should focus in particular on fixing run-on sentences. Aside from that, remember that commas and periods should be placed before a closing quotation mark."

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