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Moving, Changes, and High School: A Personal Narrative

This essay is a personal narrative about someone moving to the USA, and riding on a plane, for the first time and how that experience unfolded. The student ultimately circles back to their mother's role in their life and how much she inspires them.
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3
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765
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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Christina's feedback:

"Your introduction did a nice job of hooking me and pulling me into your narrative -- well done. I did still have some questions as your essay unfolded, though. For example, what do you mean about having only her being hard, or "things got worse"? When transitioning from one paragraph to the next, try bringing something from the last paragraph into the next to introduce your new topic. For instance, in paragraph two, you could say, "The moment my mother made the choice to move to the USA, things changed the moment we stepped on the plane." This pulls from talking about your mother's choice and brings it into the next paragraph to create a smooth bridge from one paragraph to the next. Be sure to review your formatting guidelines for MLA in reference to your headings and page numbers. There are several errors in spelling, capitalization, sentence structure, and grammar that should be resolved."

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