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My Life in Senegal: An Unexpected Journey to Self-Improvement

This narrative essay details a student's experiences during an unexpected journey to self-improvement prompted by traveling to and living in a new country. In the essay, the student writes about the events that transpired throughout their school years, both at home and in school.
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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Crystal's feedback:

"You set up a nice focus statement at the end of your intro and then come back to that in your conclusion (which is great! it builds good cohesion--though make sure to avoid introducing new info in the conclusion). However, the body of your paper barely touches on *how* the events affected you. Instead, it's very telling-heavy. By that, I mean you tell readers about what happened rather than showing them (through more emotive language) how those events shaped who you are. To really highlight the self-improvement aspect (which will make your essay more powerful), you should ideally weave the details of events into the transforming effects they had on you. You have a ton of great details throughout your narrative that you could build on to address the self-improvement elements. In addition, the intro feels a bit choppy from one sentence to the next; consider strengthening the connections or instead opening with a stronger hook that captivates readers (for instance, start with a moment that brings readers into the story by making them feel what you felt). Those aspects aside, you do cover a lot of ground in your narrative with a logical progression of the details, and your format is in great shape. However, there are a significant number of sentence structure issues (especially run-on sentences), grammar errors, and other punctuation errors--making some spots a bit hard to read. Doing a really thorough edit on those aspects (or having someone help you with them) would greatly improve readability."

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