My Love of Surfing Inspired Me to Start My First Business

In this admissions essay, a student shares her love of surfing and talks about how her passion has led to her interest in pursuing a master's degree in business, entrepreneurship, and technology. The student also describes a couple of different businesses she has started.

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Angela's feedback:

"You've put together an essay that fully highlights some notable and relevant accomplishments for your field of study. In addition you make some good word choices with terms such as "brew." However, there are also places where your word choice is awkward, as demonstrated by your use of the word "initiated." Thus, a thorough edit is recommended to address various writing convention issues. There are a number of sentence fragments that could be recast to strengthen the flow of your thoughts. Doing some reorganization, for example, by combining the first three paragraphs into a single paragraph, would also smooth out the reading experience. Note that standard practice in academic writing is to italicize words for emphasis instead of using boldface. Also, you should either have all your paragraphs aligned to the left or justified. If you decide to justify your paragraphs, some revision is needed to ensure that there's no awkward spacing in between words (as currently seen with the phrase "have never experienced")."

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In-text citation:

(Kibin, 2023)

Reference list entry:

Kibin. (2023). My love of surfing inspired me to start my first business. http://www.kibin.com/essay-examples/my-love-of-surfing-inspired-me-to-start-my-first-business-PrGQAVNm

Be sure to capitalize proper nouns (e.g. Egypt) and titles (e.g. Macbeth) in the essay title portion of your citation.

In-text citation:

("My Love of Surfing Inspired Me to Start My First Business.")

Works Cited entry:

"My Love of Surfing Inspired Me to Start My First Business." Kibin, 2023, www.kibin.com/essay-examples/my-love-of-surfing-inspired-me-to-start-my-first-business-PrGQAVNm

Footnote:

1. "My Love of Surfing Inspired Me to Start My First Business." Kibin, 2023. http://www.kibin.com/essay-examples/my-love-of-surfing-inspired-me-to-start-my-first-business-PrGQAVNm.

Bibliography entry:

"My Love of Surfing Inspired Me to Start My First Business." Kibin, 2023. http://www.kibin.com/essay-examples/my-love-of-surfing-inspired-me-to-start-my-first-business-PrGQAVNm.