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The Adverse Effects of Technology on Children's Health

This persuasive essay focuses on the adverse effects of technology on children. The student argues that technology negatively affects children's cognitive development, mental health, and physical health.
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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Crystal's feedback:

"Overall, your paper is very good and really nicely focused! You start off well with good background info on technology and health and end with a great specific thesis statement that outlines the three adverse effects of technology; however, it’s a bit awkwardly phrased because who is affected by those things isn’t named in the thesis. Your overall paragraph development in the body paragraphs was also in pretty good shape, and your topic sentences on the adverse effects align beautifully with your thesis. In addition, the quotes are integrated with sound, logical analysis, and you engage well with them to support your arguments. Your transitioning is also solid between sentences/within paragraphs, but be careful not to overuse the same transitional words too closely together or too often (e.g., see your use of "additionally" in the first body paragraph). On transitioning between paragraphs, there’s quite a bit of overlap between the end of one paragraph and beginning of another (e.g., see transitioning between first and second body paragraphs). It would be better to bring each paragraph full circle to a "so what?" element (why the information and analysis supports your topic sentence and thesis statement). Also, "all aspects of health" should be focused on in your conclusion rather than in the end of the last body paragraph. Finally, your formatting looks great and your writing conventions (diction, grammar, punctuation) is excellent overall, but watch out for awkward phrasing, subject/verb agreements (e.g., “The increase of lashing out, once again, are..."), and unclear pronouns (e.g., see "them" in your final sentence). Very persuasive overall with strong, well-supported arguments!"

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