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The Day I Almost Drowned as a Five-Year-Old

In this admissions essay, a student recounts the time she almost drowned as a five-year-old child. The student explains how this experience taught her to face trying situations without giving in to fear.
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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Angela's feedback:

"It makes sense to talk about a memorable experience from your life for your admissions essay, and you use some solid descriptive language to help the reader understand what happened. There are moments though where your word choice could use further refinement. This is seen with the phrase "primary conditions are satisfied." Also, while it's fair to tell a personal story, your essay would be more meaningful if you talked more about the lesson you learned. This discussion can be done in general terms, for example, by expanding on the well-established notion that adversity makes a person stronger. A thorough check is needed to ensure that exactly one space appears between words and between sentences in your work. Your comma use should be revisited, and remember that an ellipsis is formed with three dots."

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