The Importance of Diversity in the Military

Bridget's feedback:

"This is a strong and persuasive essay that lays out the thesis clearly. The use of specifics and sources within the argument builds toward the conclusion logically, showing good control of the organization, structure, and purpose. I do want to check in regarding the Lindsay and Savard (2018) source, which is about Canada; does this fit the scope of the paper? Is the paper specifically about the United States or any military force (any volunteer military force)? This can be clarified in a brief phrase or added word to the introduction; a signal phrase clarifying the use of Lindsay and Savard (2018) can be incorporated as needed. (I notice you write "Thus, all nations should..." but this is a broader claim about reflecting "values and beliefs"--this may or may not mean diversity, as well; this will be easy to revise, or you might want to develop the point a bit more.)

A few other tasks as you head into the final submission will include proofreading to catch some minor errors (e.g., unnecessary capitalizations end of para. 1, first sentence of para. 3) and tidying up a few APA-related issues in the references (use of sentence case for titles).

I also notice some opportunities to refine within paragraphs. For example, the first two sentences are really general, and we end up with a vague statement about change. (This would also be a good moment to clarify if you are specifically describing the American military.) Try to specify what part of the 19th century (assuming this is America, pre-Civil War or post-Civil War would help with delineation) and who these "democratic groups" were. Note, as well, the first two sentences of para. 4, which overlap quite a bit in diction and idea. Can you boil those down into a single, focused, and punchier sentence that functions as a topic sentence and a transition?"

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