In-text citation:
(Kibin, 2023)
Reference list entry:
Kibin. (2023). The importance of diversity in the military. http://www.kibin.com/essay-examples/the-importance-of-diversity-in-the-military-DiuuIfyQ
More essays like this:
This preview is partially blurred. Sign up to view the complete essay.
More essays like this:
View other essays like this one:
Bridget's feedback:
"This is a strong and persuasive essay that lays out the thesis clearly. The use of specifics and sources within the argument builds toward the conclusion logically, showing good control of the organization, structure, and purpose. I do want to check in regarding the Lindsay and Savard (2018) source, which is about Canada; does this fit the scope of the paper? Is the paper specifically about the United States or any military force (any volunteer military force)? This can be clarified in a brief phrase or added word to the introduction; a signal phrase clarifying the use of Lindsay and Savard (2018) can be incorporated as needed. (I notice you write "Thus, all nations should..." but this is a broader claim about reflecting "values and beliefs"--this may or may not mean diversity, as well; this will be easy to revise, or you might want to develop the point a bit more.)
A few other tasks as you head into the final submission will include proofreading to catch some minor errors (e.g., unnecessary capitalizations end of para. 1, first sentence of para. 3) and tidying up a few APA-related issues in the references (use of sentence case for titles).
I also notice some opportunities to refine within paragraphs. For example, the first two sentences are really general, and we end up with a vague statement about change. (This would also be a good moment to clarify if you are specifically describing the American military.) Try to specify what part of the 19th century (assuming this is America, pre-Civil War or post-Civil War would help with delineation) and who these "democratic groups" were. Note, as well, the first two sentences of para. 4, which overlap quite a bit in diction and idea. Can you boil those down into a single, focused, and punchier sentence that functions as a topic sentence and a transition?"
Learn more about this feedback
In-text citation:
(Kibin, 2023)
Reference list entry:
Kibin. (2023). The importance of diversity in the military. http://www.kibin.com/essay-examples/the-importance-of-diversity-in-the-military-DiuuIfyQ
In-text citation:
("The Importance of Diversity in the Military.")
Works Cited entry:
"The Importance of Diversity in the Military." Kibin, 2023, www.kibin.com/essay-examples/the-importance-of-diversity-in-the-military-DiuuIfyQ
Footnote:
1. "The Importance of Diversity in the Military." Kibin, 2023. http://www.kibin.com/essay-examples/the-importance-of-diversity-in-the-military-DiuuIfyQ.
Bibliography entry:
"The Importance of Diversity in the Military." Kibin, 2023. http://www.kibin.com/essay-examples/the-importance-of-diversity-in-the-military-DiuuIfyQ.
You know how looking at a math problem similar to the one you're stuck on can help you get unstuck? Reading example essays works the same way!
Here are some ways our essay examples library can help you with your assignment:
Read our Academic Honor Code for more information on how to use (and how not to use) our library.
Essays may be lightly modified for readability or to protect the anonymity of contributors, but we do not edit essay examples prior to publication. (And nope, we don't source our examples from our editing service! Check out our Privacy and Content Sharing policies for more information.)
The essays in our library are intended to serve as content examples to inspire you as you write your own essay. They're not intended to be submitted as your own work, so we don't waste time removing every error. This allows our team to focus on improving the library and adding new essays.
The example essays in Kibin's library were written by real students for real classes. To protect the anonymity of contributors, we've removed their names and personal information from the essays. When citing an essay from our library, you can use "Kibin" as the author.
Kibin does not guarantee the accuracy, timeliness, or completeness of the essays in the library; essay content should not be construed as advice. For more information on choosing credible sources for your paper, check out this blog post.
Did you find something inaccurate, misleading, abusive, or otherwise problematic in this essay example? Let us know! We'll take a look right away.