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The Pros and Cons of Helping Others

This personal essay on the theme of helping others narrates a time when the writer's offer of help resulted in both an adventure and a lot of frustration.
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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Bridget's feedback:

"This narrative essay has a lot of voice and effective tension, making it an exciting read! The build-up toward the end and the description of being trapped are really effective, and your dialogue has a lot of energy, effectively establishing the characters.

My first comment is a question about the assignment itself. Take a look at your instructor's requirements--what are the goals of writing a personal narrative in essay format, according to your prompt? Even a narrative essay will have something like a thesis, statement of the theme, or lesson. We get a glimpse of this in the title, but the body of the essay doesn't give an explicit statement. If you think of it like a thesis, recall that in a five-paragraph essay (to use one example), the thesis should be laid out in the first paragraph and then echoed or repeated in the last paragraph. Using your title as a jumping off point, think about how you can guide the reader's understanding of this adventure with your cousin as an object lesson or teachable moment.

My second comment is in the writing mechanics. Formatting dialogue properly will help the reader follow the action (hit enter each time the speaker changes), and some proofreading and revision for clarity will really ensure the reader can enjoy the story without also having to decipher the language."

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