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When Your Best Friend Betrays You: A Personal Narrative

This personal narrative essay on the theme of betrayal describes an incident involving the student's best friend and boyfriend.
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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Bridget's feedback:

"This is tense, personal, and compelling--the reader sees it coming thanks to your introduction/set-up, but you keep us hooked as we go thanks to a good sense of storytelling rhythm and flow. My main recommendations are all about proofreading and editing to make sure the writing is as clear as possible and error-free. Errors can really distract readers, affecting author credibility. Errors also impact clarity, as does some of the diction here. For example, you write "Then the guy walks up..." At this point, because we know Theo's name, we might think, "Is this some other guy?" So instead, write "Theo"--that is, keep the reader up to speed by being specific when possible. (On the other hand, it makes sense not to give your best friend's name--and since she is always "my friend" or "my best friend," we always know who this refers to.) To sum up: you've got the story, the details, and the narrative beats and flow down on the page. The next step is to polish up the mechanics and diction so your reader can experience the narrative without any distractions like mechanical errors or clarity issues."

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