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Why Elderly Drivers Are More Dangerous Than Teen Drivers

This argumentative essay rejects the idea that teenagers are the most dangerous drivers. Instead, the student argues that elderly drivers present a greater risk to passengers and others on the road.
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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Bridget's feedback:

"You're off to a good start with clear organization and specific and relevant talking points. The first area to focus on should be claims and support. Without clear sourcing, the numbers you provide lose their persuasiveness. Rather than using the passive voice ("it was recorded that..."), tell your reader who or what recorded this data. Make sure to use specific language when presenting data (and proofread to catch typos): were the 7,700 over-65 fatalities also the drivers? If not, then the comparison to teenage drivers in the next sentence doesn't quite make sense. Careful and precise presentation will ensure logos and ethos. Use data and sourcing for the rest of the paper as well; otherwise, the reader will wonder if the claims are speculative. A reader will want to know which "Studies have shown..." these things. Again, using reliable sources to present numbers and examples will create a more persuasive argument. Finally, I would suggest creating a more clear rhetorical situation--what are the stakes? Is it simply the reader deciding who to get in the car with (suggested in the final sentence)? Do you want to address a bias or prejudice? Or are you looking at the bigger picture--laws, driver's licenses, insurance rates? Letting the reader know if you want to create actionable change will help them understand the stakes and urgency of this topic."

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