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Why I Want to Study Finance at the University of Wisconsin-Madison

In this admissions essay, the student writes about what it would mean to attend the University of Wisconsin-Madison and the reason for wanting to study finance. The student focuses on the personal experiences of attending the Camp Badger Engineering Program as a child, going to Badger football games, and taking a campus tour. Regarding the area of study, the student talks about how how a love of statistics was a catalyst for identifying finance as the right career path.
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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Crystal's feedback:

"Throughout the essay, you've done a fantastic job with the details to show why you want to attend Wisconsin-Madison, what being a Badger would mean to you, and why you want to pursue business. The specifics about the school especially show a demonstrated interest in attending (something the admissions committee is definitely looking for). However, you don't really frame your essay in any way; figuring out a way to have a clear framing idea and a clear conclusion that lets you end with oomph to leave a lasting impression would make your essay more powerful. In addition, the opening is not a very strong hook; consider instead starting with a short narrative that captures your passion for being a Badger (hint: the details about the camp would create a lovely and engaging narrative). In most of the essay, you're very much telling instead of showing (the details about your observations at camp are the most vivid spots). If you can instead reveal the details through more emotive language and weave a narrative that walks the reader through your experiences in a more vivid way, your essay would be much more compelling (again, the details themselves are GREAT). Finally, there are a few spots with inconsistent spacing between sentences, and throughout the essay, there are a significant number of grammar and punctuation errors (especially run-on sentences), a few spots where details are a little repetitive (e.g., the spot you talk about realizing you could be a tour guide), and phrasing that weakens the confidence in your statements (e.g., "I feel that a degree," "I hope to," etc.)."

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