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Why I Want to Transfer Universities

In this admissions essay, a student explains why she is interested in transferring universities. The student talks about how her father taught her community is important and how her current university lacks a sense of community.
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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Angela's feedback:

"You end your essay on a strong note because your last paragraph effectively explains the purpose of your essay and why you wish to transfer schools. The introduction is weaker because parts of the narrative are difficult to follow. For example, since you speak about the Christmastime story from an outsider's perspective, the reader is left to wonder where you were when your father invited his coworkers over for a home-cooked meal. Did this occur before you were born? Recasting fragments such as the sentence that begins "A world that" would improve the flow of your writing. Likewise, your comma use should be revisited to enhance the reading experience. There are places where commas have been unnecessarily used and other places where commas are sorely needed. An edit is recommended to handle the awkward use of words such as "personally.""

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