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Why I'm Passionate About Design

This is an admissions essay about what the student is most passionate about and why. The student focuses on being passionate about design, details why, and highlight a few key design-related experiences.
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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Crystal's feedback:

"You do an excellent job of identifying what you're passionate about right away in the beginning of the essay, staying focused on that topic, and (especially in the 2nd paragraph) showing why you're passionate about it. However, there were a few areas you could strengthen the content: crafting a strong hook at the beginning and doing more showing than telling in the third paragraph. Your current opening sentence is very generalized. Instead, consider crafting a short, vivid narrative to draw the reader in. For instance, something that captures a moment that highlights your passion--and uses emotive language to connect to readers--would make the beginning really stand out. In addition, in your third paragraph, you're telling the readers about what happened rather than showing them through vivid details, descriptive/emotive language. That paragraph could be strengthened by connecting the details you have to *why* you're passionate about design in more explicit ways instead of giving a detailed account of the experience in general terms. On transitioning, you do a good job transitioning between most paragraphs, but the transition into the final paragraph is a bit abrupt. Consider adding a transitional element there to improve the flow. In terms of writing mechanics, you write well overall and did a lovely job with grammar/punctuation, but there’s a dangling modifier in the second sentence of the second paragraph, so make sure to address that. Finally, nice overall job with the concluding paragraph--I really like the phrasing about passion lighting your way in the closing line!"

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