Why Price Tag by Jessie J Is the Perfect Opening Song for a Movie About My Life

Crystal's feedback:

"You've done a lovely job addressing the prompt with substantial and sophisticated details illustrating why the perfect opening song for a movie about your life is "Price Tag." I also really love how well you've integrated the lyrics as areas of focus for each paragraph and then elaborate on why each specific line is representative of your life--the logic and supporting details are clear and have great impact. In addition, you write very well overall with clear diction and create great flow/organization with smooth transitioning between paragraphs and sentences. However, there are three areas you could further strengthen your response. First, you switch points of view (POVs) pretty frequently between "we" and "people." Ideally, you should avoid the editorial/royal use of "we" (and other first-person plural pronouns) because "we" is never defined. Instead, using "people" in those areas where you mean in humans in general would create a more cohesive POV. Second, your opening lines should ideally stay more focused on you instead of the generalities about "people," something you should also minimize in all areas of your response honestly. Since the focus is on you, the details should ideally be framed around you as much as possible instead of in a more general sense. Third, there's some spots with awkward and/or wordy phrasing (e.g., "This year alone I took leadership..." in the 4th paragraph, which is both unclear and awkward; “when I picture my life, I cannot…” would be more concise as “when picturing my life, I cannot…”) and grammar/punctuation errors (in the 3rd sentence of your 2nd paragraph is a run-on sentence, some lyric quotes are missing the preceding comma, and “as” when it starts a subordinate clause at the end of the sentence should not have a preceding comma). Doing a close edit for those little errors, addressing the POV changes, and keeping the content more focused on you would really help your well-reasoned and substantial response stand out even more. Finally, I really liked the approach to your conclusion to wrap things up--it does a great job of ending with finality overall. Nice work!"

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